Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Let go of the Mom Guilt..

Menjadi seorang ibu sememangnya perkara yang mengujakan. Tringat pengalaman pertama mengandungkan Joshua. Excited menunggu rasa bagaimana perasaanya apabila anak yg belum pernah dilihat menendang dalam rahim. Excited rasanya bila memikirkan diri sedang membawa nyawa ke dunia dan excited rasanya menunggu detik2 bersejarah bertemu dengan si kecil.

Tapi menjadi seorang ibu adalah satu perkara yang real... maksud saya real ialah.. once you become a mother there will be no turning back..and everything about anything new will happen...

Tidak mau marah...termarah juga...
Tidak mau jerit...terjerit juga...
Tidak mau merotan...terotan juga...

Kalau dulu persepsi saya mengenai ibu saya adalah dia adalah seorang SUPERWOMAN. Tapi bila saya sendiri melaluinya dengan anak 3...wow...perkataan superwoman itu sebenarnya bukan datang dari ibu sendiri tapi pandangan orang luar atau dari anaknya sendiri..the mother herself will never say she is superwoman...

Why?

I tell u why. And its real thing! Saya tidak percaya ada ibu yang tidak pernah marah anak. Tidak pernah displin anak. Tidak pernah jerit anak. Tidak taulah kalau memang ada ibu yg lembut sepanjang masa...sy akan fikir wow ..anak dia mesti senang diurus. Sebab yg namanya anak aduh...macam2 perangai yang tidak dijangka akan keluar...

Talking about kesabaran. My husband said im a lady full with patience. Maybe because compared to my husband i have higher level of patience than him. Tapi hakikatnya...tidak juga. Saya pun kadang2 and most of the time bila saya stress atau penat dengan kerja2 (balance antara being a mom, a wife and a career woman) kesabaran saya juga menipis.

Dan apabila itu terjadi...memang kesian lah anak2 saya. Kadang2 saya terfikir ibu yang sampai bunuh anak tu mungkin mengalami stress yang amat tinggi yang tidak dapat dihandle nya sudah. Barangkali? i dunno!

Tapi jujur saya juga pernah terkeluar cakap dengan anak2 saya.. 'kamu ni menyusahkan saya'. "penat saya jadi mummy kamu"..ädalah yang sy baling keluar ni"begitulah...

But did i really mean it? NO! Big NO! Dan dari situlah bila saya kembali tenang...rasa bersalah..a mom guilt tu ada... like...saya akan fikir balik....'kenapalah saya tidak bersabar lebih lagi?'... "kenapalah saya tidak kawal mulut saya?'...äduh apalah dosa anak2 saya".."tidak selamanya mereka kecil begini"...

Then bila mereka tidur dengan begitu nyenyak situlah saya rasa aman dan bahagia melihat mereka dan hanya ucapan syukur kerana Tuhan mengaruniakan anak2 yang sebegitu comel dan indah...

Jadi bila sya ingat mama saya dan keadaan saya sendiri..i would say my mom is an awesome mom. So do I. We just learn how to be better again and again. And each time when we fail..just forgive ourselves and move on.. just like what Donna Bell said about motherhood...

"MOTHERHOOD IS A CHOICE YOU MAKE EVERYDAY to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is..
and to forgive yourself over and over again FOR DOING EVERYTHING WRONG."

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

LOST

I have been dying to write it here...but i couldnt find enough time to do so..

But today... i just and i need to rant my feeling here...

You see i am very positive ethaustiastic person... i dont like negativity...

I always believe even in the darkest hour there is a hope...

But today..again...it seems that i lost myself....

i felt incompetent.. in my career...

i felt i am a lousy mother to my sons..

and of course

i felt that i am not the kind of wife that my husband looking for...

this kind of feeling started when i have one more week to prepare for my HLP interview and i havent finish my slide presentations..

suddenly i feel that i am not ready to further my studies..

why on earth i want to further my studies when i cannot write a proper research proposal!

Dang!

i dunno i just feel want to go somewhere alone and cry!

i am not the organize type kind of person or a wife or a mother...i always feel i am lacking of time...24hrs is just dont enough for me...

huhuhu..

i need hug..

i need some words of encouragement

i need some words of appreciation

i just need someone to tell me...

DONT WORRY..you can do it..
DONT WORRY you are not a lousy mother..
DONT WORRY you are special..

oklah..enough of it. I dont really like self pity... sigh!
Get up Renny...gather your strength...

In Jesus name.. i want to start it again...

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

This shall pass

Dulu msa ada Joshua seorang...rasa hidup sebagai seorang ibu adalah perkara yang amat indah saya pernah rasa..

Masa joshua sakit..walaupun sejauh penat pun sya akan saya gigihkan mendukung dan menenangkan joshua..

bagi saya joshua adalah segala-galanya..

then after 1 thn 8 bln kami decide mungkin boleh tambah 1 utk adik kpd joshua.. maka lahirlah jayden.

Permulaan ada 2 orang anak..pada mulanya tidak sesukar mana...orang cakap masih manageable itu stress..

Happy sebab sy dan husband suka buat banding2 tengok perkembangan anak2 yang berbeza but our love to them is the same..we love them so much..

Tapi tidak lama, datang anak ke 3..wlpn langkah berjaga telah diambil kalendar telah dikira tapi kuasa Tuhan siapa sangka..maka lahirlah jathniel di kala jayden baru 1 tahun.

Perkara yg paling memenatkan ada anak dekat2 ni bila kesemuanya jatuh sakit pada masa yang sama.

Joshua on the other side, bila dia sakit tetap nampak sifat keçoolan dia. Tidak fussy. Baby yes i know  memang akan merengek. Tapi bila jayden dan jathniel menangis serentak dan saya kena handle dua2 sendirian di situlah mulut saya tidak berhenti merungut..dan di kala level kesabaran saya paling rendah..situlah sy terfikir..kalau sy tau susah nya banyak anak sy berhenti setakat joshua sajalah...

My husband type jenis yang punya tahap kesabaran yg rendah..telinga dia sangat x kalis dengan bunyi...very low tolerance to noise...so when he stress handling our kids..suaranya akan mulai bergema di satu rumah jerit sama anak2.

I knew he tried his best to be patience..but i do know each of us has different level of patience...

so when this happened..end up anak2 semua mau minta perhatian saya...

last week adalah dateline penerbitan penulisan kami. Dan sy trpaksa bawa kerja buat di rumah. sy ada 6 semuanya. mampu siap 1 saja. itupun hanya ketika semua anak2 saya tidur. masa tu lah sy curi masa buat kerja ofis buat kerja rumah sekali.

sigh.

selalu bila cakap2 dengan mama,..mesti mama saya cakap...sabar saja memang begitulah ada anak2 kecil. berlalu juga tu. Pandai berhenti juga tu.

Kami ada 7 org adik beradik dan 5 kami gap 2 thn saja. Sy x dpt bayangkan kestressan mama sy.

Aduh Tuhan...macam terasa panjang dan jauh betul mau tunggu masa anak2 saya umur 5thn. Sb org cakap by the time mereka umur 5 thn parents akan lebih mudah suda.

Sebab jujur cakap mau lalu 1 hari pun sudah penat ini kan pula mau tunggu sampai 5 tahun..

sigh.

But i want to tell this to myself...

"renny..this shall pass"

Hang in there....

and i hope i can be calm again..

(when i wrote this i miss all my sons...sorry kids...mama is not good..so sorry)

Monday, October 5, 2015

last saturday was my husband birthday. We managed to celebrate together as my parents was at my place before they proceed to my sister's place at Kuantan.

It was nice to have once a while a day out only the two of us.. without wet tissue to think of...diapers to bring..or stroller..just like the good old days...hehehe

anyway...this weekend i was so occupied..that i hardly had time to sit and chat with my families. When i have time,, it must be laundry time or masak time .. when i have time means when my baby sleep thats where i only have time!

And time flies really fast. Suddenly my house is back to empty. No more my parents and no more my siblings. And here i am missing them so badly!

Yesterday as i was ready to pick up my sister at the aiport..i had this little conversation with my parents and my 2nd last younger brother. They were planning to rearrange all the things at my hometown..and they were saying to put double decker at my supposed-to-be-my-room-at-kampung since my niece had using my room as their place.

When I heard this, i get pissed off with my parents. Why of all many rooms at my house at kg they choosed my room. I was like hello how am i going to balik kg with 3 kids and husband who quite fussy about keselesaan? Then I heard myself saying this to my parents..

'macam ni memang tidak balik kg lah saya. saya hanya akan balik kg bila saya ada bilik semula'. actually i meant what i just said for that moment because i was so angry.

But as i calm again..and here i am missing my family so much..i was like...'takkan sebab bilik saja mau merajuk' and the thought crossed my mind 'what if, if suddenly i never have the chance to see my parents again?'

My parents is no longer young. I dont know how much years that i will be with them. How silly i am to have that kind of thoughts.

sigh.

I must be nuts!

I love you mom and dad. Pls be healthy ya...

God bless.

Random,

Me.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Jerebu kembali mneyerang area-area di sekitar Putrajaya, Kuala Lumpur dan Selangor.

hari ini pergi ofis jalan raya agak sunyi. Mungkin sebab Menteri KPM baru saja umumkan cuti sekolah utk semua sekolah area2 yg saya maksudkan tadi.

Plus besok public holiday utk hari Malaysia jadi saya beranggapan ramai yg ambil cuti kecemasan saja hari ini.

tapi beza dengan saya..saya ada di ofis ni sekarang. Sakit kepala dan sakit leher masih saya rasai dari semalam.

Pagi ni saya google (ya sy google dulu kumpul info sebelum melakukan tindakan seterusnya) punca sakit saya. Dan salah satunya..salah tidur..dan akan tambah sakit apabila stress sebab urat2 d leher akan kembung terus menyambung kepada otak.

Sigh.

Ya. Stress.

One thing about having  a babysitter who stay with u...i can leave home for office dengan tenang. Anak2 pun akan lebih trjaga. But then..utk saya pujuk babysitter ni supaya kerja dengan saya...selain dr offer gaji yg quite mahal..saya juga cuma suruh dia jaga anak2 saja. Urus rumah masak dia x perlu buat. Jadi bila saya balik dengan rumah yg berserabut dan saya perlu lagi masak lepas tu dengan sudah sehari suntuk di ofis dengan pelbagai ekspektasi orang atasan memang cukup menghectikan dan mengharu birukan kehidupan ku.

Dan saya masih struggle mau menyusukan anak sy sepenuhnya dengan supply susu yang semakin merudum. Memang cukup stress.

Dalam saya stress..saya tidak boleh mcm setengah perempuan lain..they have their husband to pour out their feeling. My husband is already full with so many things that make him stress I just dont want to add on with my story. so most of them...i just kept to myself and cheer myself to be strong.

But i am just a normal human being and normal mom. I do have my bad day.

So i guess what i have been thru rite now also can be the cause of my headache.

Anyway enuf of that negative vibes. I dont want you as my reader get infected with my negatives emotions. hehehe

on the other note...i thanked God i just submit my research proposal to our BKP. Yes for the 1st time i tried apply the HLP to further my studies. I have put my my very best effort in doing my proposal that i just hope i could get thru the 1st phase in my jabatan. Pray for me ya.

Talking about further studies. To be honest, i did plan it but after some time i just become lazy and lazy and forget about it. But i dunno maybe this is what people say 'sampai seru'. The journey was very hard actually. I have to change my topic for a few times. And finally the 4th topic i said ok this is it. So there it goes.

Im looking forward fto further my studies. Im not doing coursework because i chosed by research. If i get this hlp not only im focusing to my master but also homeschooling joshua. I have so many things to do for joshua. He need extensive class of therapies which i rarely have time for this time being.

Ok...

Till then...

God Bless.


Friday, August 28, 2015

Sorry lama menyepi...bukan juga artis yang punya jadual padat (tetiba compare dgn artis pula kan...hiihi) saya agak busy dengan kerja dengan anak-anak...itu yang susah mau cari masa post sstu di sini..

anyway...just want to share..semalam merupakan terapi cara kerja Joshua yang kedua kali di HUKM after his 1st therapies on the 30 of July. So after 1 month saya akui saya tiada buat apa2 untuk perkembangan joshua..nak kata  mau bagi fully attention pun tidak dapat. Bila anak 3 ni semua pun masih kecil memang kelam kabut juga hidup saya..

tambah lagi mama saya yang jaga anak2 saya..saya terpaksa hantar dia p tempat adik saya di kuantan untuk pemeriksaan lanjut kesihatan dia. Saya akui kalau ada mama ada di rumah...saya tidak berapa risau dengan keadaan anak2 saya. Sebab saya nenek mereka pasti sayang cucu2 nya. Tambah lagi ada adik bongsu saya d rumah. boleh bantu2 mama saya. Bila ada mama saya...kerja2 laundry mama saya suda setelkan untuk saya. Walaupun saya tidak suruh. Jadi sy mmg bersyukur ada  mama saya.

So 2 bulan jaga anak2 saya..kesihatan mama saya agak terjejas. Dengan gigi sakit plus operation matanya hari tu kembali sakit. Saya tidak sampai hati untuk suh mama saya jaga anak2 saya. Syukur ada adik perempuan saya d kuantan yang masih boleh urus mama. Since dia memang suda di line kesihatan. So i guess it is much easier for her to take our mum goes for checkup.

Back to cerita semalam...akibat daripada tu...banyak benda juga saya kena handle dan urus. Cari bbsitter baru dalam masa yang sama urus anak2. Jadi memang saya totally tidak dapat buat apa dengan cari2 sekolah ka untuk joshua. buat masa ini semuanya masih bergantung kepada temujanji d hukm yang jarak masa dari 1 appointment ke 1 appointment memang lama. Jadi betul lah Dr hari tu cakap..kanak2 autism ni kena ada terapi at least once a week supaya dia tidak lost. 

Semalam..joshua menampakkan ciri2 panas barannya kepada therapist tu. Dalam 1 jam sesi terapi...hanya 1/2 jam saja joshua mau ikut arahan. selebihnya dia mau buat cara dia sendiri. Kalau tidak diberi kemauannya dia memberontak baling2 barang dan jerit. Saya tidak dapat ambil gambar sb polisi hukm sepanjang sesi diadakan tidak dibenarkan mengambil gambar. 

Di akhir sesi..therapist tu beritahu saya..kalau joshua tidak mau ikut arahan kena stop semua game (kalau masa tu saya mau ajar dia) dan ignore joshua dalam bbp waktu. Cara by ignoring him is to make him know that his attitude is wrong. because of that, the next appointment that would be on the Oktober...Joshua masih kena one on one. Belum letak secara grouping sebab joshua masih belum pandai konsep take turn.

Sigh..jujurnya saya letih. Bulan 9 ni joshua akan sy bawa ujian pendengaran. hujung bulan 9 saya kena bawa jayden dan jathinel ke klinik kkia untuk jadual jarum. bulan 10 another 2 appointment dgn hukm. 

Sometimes i feel i am not stroung enough to face the day. dalam masa sama, kerja pun kena jalan. boss pun dari masa ke semasa memerhati. Taulah kan nama pun masih memangku...tidak excel nanti susah mau confirm..

tidak taulah saya...

di saat lemah..hanya doa saya dapat bisikkan..

to be continue

Thursday, August 13, 2015

I always suck in writing the beginning for my blog.

I have to write and delete it again.

Write and delete it again.

So here is the thing that I want to say..

I am super happy because Jayden is back to me.
 Yeay.

Yesterday was a very super tiring journey for me.

Took flight as early as 1030 am from KLIA2 to Tawau. Arrived at Tawau at 1.30pm. Then fly back to KLIA at 625pm. And arrived at KLIA at 910pm. Sampai rumah at 1030pm.

Throughout our journey together..i must say it is quite challenging to me. Since Jayden was crying almost the whole time on the flight. I did panicked because I have been separated with him quite long ago. And we are like strangers for a while. I was like how to soothe him. Pity my son. Since my confinemet it was his nenek that cared for jayden. Ok I blamed myself for that.

But after all, I thanked God 45 min before our arrival at KLIA, his emotion became stabil. Just imagined i have to walk him around the flight to keep him cool. sigh.

Anyway...our situation is just become more challenging. Now we have  all our kids together. Not only my mum yang jaga akan pening kepala. We also pening kepala. 

God help me Lord. Help us.


Monday, August 3, 2015

Morning...

As I shared to you guys before this my son Joshua had just diagnosis by the doctor as an autistic boy. So i started googling up what therapies that can i follow and do at home..looking for support group at FB. Search at youtube for visual learning. Reading other mom blog about their experience having autism child.

And yes by just doing it...I just can't stop sighing.

Can I do it? I doubt myself.

All that I can think is how will i do that when i have another sons in the house that also need my fully attention. Especially my baby who is just turn 3 months old. Still fully breastfeeding and now he can already regonized my presence. And I will feel forever guilty to my 2nd son jayden. Our time bonding together really really short that I barely remember how was he look like when he still a baby. Jayden is now at my MIL house at Sabah. My parents already asking me take him back to kl. My siblings keep asking me when Im going to take Jayden. That just make me more sad. There is a lot of things i need to think and do at the same time. And I just dont know where to start..

I just got back to work from my maternity leave. August is a very crucial month to me as I need to fill the form for my confirmation post. And I know I done nothing for the past 3 months to qualify me. I wonder how will my boss value my mark.

My husband is busy focus to his proposal to further his studies doing master. Hoping that when his jabatan approve his application he will have time to concentrate to our son Joshua. Compared now, both of us is bind with the 8-5 clock. So for the time being we just can only follow all the schedules given by HUKM.

To opt for CTG is just impossible for me as I (my and husband and I) had a lot of commitment. We just bought house on our own. So a lot of money (included those money we borrowed from our families) had been used and have to pay back.

But even I have to go through this situation...I know God is with me. He is there to help me. It is hard, I know. But I cannot go thru it by my own. I need Jesus. And that is what my Lord do to our family.

I know we will pass thru this. I have faith Joshua will be recover. I just have to put my faith and trust Lord Jesus Christ.

Bapa di Surga, apapun yang berlaku dalam kehidupan ku tidak ada satu pun yang berada di luar pengetahuan Mu. Tolong aku ya Bapa dengan iman ku yang sekecil biji sesawi ini untuk menempuh keadaan yang sedang ku alami. Saya tahu saya tidak bersendirian. Engkau ada beserta ku dan keluarga ku. Aku serahkan Joshua ke dalam tangan mu ya Bapa. Jadilah kehendak Mu dan rencana Mu keatas Joshua. Berikan kami suami isteri hikmat untuk apa jua kaedah membantu Joshua. Dan kami percaya Engkau adalah Sumber yang menyediakan tepat pada waktunya. Terima kasih Bapa. Dalam nama Yesus, aku berdoa. Amen.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Saya bersyukur Tuhan untuk segalanya yang Engkau telah berikan kepada saya.

Dan tiada satu pun perkara yang berlaku dalam kehidupan saya baik saya secara pribadi mahupun dalam keluarga saya sendiri yang di luar daripada pengetahuan Mu.

Termasuklah apa yang terjadi ke atas anak sulung kami Joshua.

Joshua adalah antara anak yang paling senang dijaga.

Dia adalah anak pertama kami dan pengalaman pertama kami sebagai ibu bapa.

Saya ingat di awal bbp hari selepas melahirkan dia..saya akan menangis setiap kali selepas menyusukan dia dan joshua suda lena tertidur. Perasaan saya ketika itu sangat bahagia melihat joshua tidur dengan aman. Kelahiran joshua yang sangat luar biasa dengan berat yang luar biasa bagi pertama kali bergelar ibu memang akan menjadi memori selama-lamanya dalam kamus kehidupan saya.

Dan saya ingat setiap kali ada kesempatan pasti saya akan ambil gambar untuk kenangan di kemudian hari. Pada setiap perkembangan yang dia lalui. Meniarap. Memegang barang di tangan. Tersenyum mendengar suara ibu bapanya. Merangkak. Bertatih. Berjalan. Berlari. semuanya saya abadikan.

Sehinggalah harapan saya untuk mendengar Joshua bercakap.

Saya mulai perasaan ketika Joshua tiada eye contact dengan saya seawal 1tahun lebih usianya. Bila dibandingkan dengan anak2 kawan rapat semuanya suda ada yang menceritakan anak mereka mulai faham arahan mulai ada kata2 yang keluar dari mulutnya. Simple word like nak. mummy. milk.

Tapi Joshua belum ada. Tapi atas dasar pengharapan saya dan suami percaya one day kami akan mendengar joshua bercakap. 

2tahun. 2tahun setengah. 3 tahun. dan sekrang 3 thn setengah.

Dalam pada pemerhatian saya...i did make some research. But to all things that i have read...saya cuma mau menolak sebarang kemungkinan2 yang ada. 

Cuma apabila joshua mulai suka menyusun barang. sensitif dgn rasa dan bunyi. Buat naluri hati saya semakin kuat mengatakan apakah anak saya Joshua ada penyakit yang dipanggil Autistic?

Saya menangis satu malam. Walaupun ketika itu belum ada diagnosis rasmi dari Doktor pakar. 1001 soalan saya luahkan kepada sang pencipta ku. 

Kenapa mesti anakku?
Kenapa mesti ketika aku ada anak2 yang masih kecil yang juga perlu perhatian saya?
Bagaimana kehidupan joshua nanti?
Dapatkan joshua menikmati hidup spt orang lain? berkawin? ada anak? ada keluarga? ada kerjaya?

and all those questions make me scared.

Menyakitkan hati ketika cuba mendisplinkan joshua. bila dia mulai membaling membuang barang2. bila dia selalu mengulangi kesilapan yang sama walaupun beribu kali diingatkan.

menyakitkan hati sebab sabar ku menipis. pada hal deep down my heart I know Joshua didnt understand me yet.

I feel like i am a bad mom to joshua.

and today when last monday we took joshua to HUKM...doc mengesahkan joshua ada autistic. selepas 2 jam disiasat dan dilihat sendiri kelakuan joshua. Saya tidak menangis ketika itu.

Mungkin sebab sebelum itu saya sudah puas menangis. 
Mungkin sebab saya sudah menerima.

Cuma bila doktor suruh register utk OKU sebab apparently JKM meletakkan kanak2 austitic juga dikategorikan sbg OKU membuatkan hati saya hancur luluh. Again im in the mode denial again.

No. Joshua is not OKU. He is completely normal. Is just that...is just that...he need special education..

sigh.

Dalam saya mengeluh the word of God hitted me. 

(John 9:1-3) As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth.“Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?”
“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.

Saya pasrah atas apa yang berlaku dalam hidup saya.
Apa yang perlu sya lakukan sekarang bukan lagi menangisi atau meratapi..apa yang pasti Tuhan punya rencana untuk saya keluarga saya dan Joshua sendiri.
I have to move on. 
Sebab tu ke depan walaupun perjalanan keluarga saya pastinya tidak semudah seperti keluarga lain..tapi saya percaya by God grace me and my husband can go through this. 
For now..we just hope and pray that Joshua will be able to speak. soon. very very soon.


Joshua Raphael (1 tahun 10 bulan)

my baby. my love. 

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Where the sweetnes and bitterness become 1 (part2)

So di mana sy berhenti.. ya di hospital Tawau kan..

Sy check in di hospital Tawau pada 23hb April jam 930pagi. Sampai saja..saya diperiksa oleh Dr. lelaki. Dan Dr tu buat VE. Fuhhh..saya tahan malu saja sebab pengalaman bersalin di hospital kudat semuanya dilakukan oleh nurse. Jadi bila Dr. lelaki yang datang dan  buat VE (Vaginal Examination) hmmm segan oooo

Pendek cerita..pada 23hb tu...belum ada bukaan rahim dan lapisan cerviks masih tebal kata doktor tu..tapi sebab post date 9 days from EDD jadi masuk ward. Sebenarnya saya sedih mengenangkan pengalaman bersalin di hospital tawau ni sebab saya tidak menyangka keadaan hospitalnya yang sangat menyedihkan. Saya pernah ke hospital serdang, hospital putrajaya dan saya sendiri bersalin di hospital kudat yang so called hospital level daerah saja pun tidak seteruk hospital tawau.

GL saya masa tu tolak tepi sajalah mau 1st class konon. Tiada maknanya. Dengan keadaan saya tidak selesa ya lah sarat mengandung dan keadaan wad pula yang sesak amat baik yang ada IC mahupun tiada IC (taulah Tawau kan!). I really feel alone. Di tambah pula cerita kesedihan...Masa doktor pakar datang check up saya, dia kata kemungkinan baby sy saiz besar. Kalau besar takut kalau induce bukaan lambat buka..takut baby lemas atau kalau pun mau juga salin normal ada history bahu baby sangkut. Sebab tu selalunya mereka suggest terus ceaser. Dengar perkataan ceaser saya jadi seriau. Sebab diakhir nasihat doktor..walaupun saya pernah ada history salin normal 3.95 kg anak pertama tapi apapun boleh berlaku jadi keputusan di tangan saya. Takut sangat bila saya dengar macam tu.

Nangis sy! Jiran katil yang jarak hanya 2 kaki dari saya nampak saya menangis. Saya paling takut membuat keputusan. Apa lagi suami saya jauh d kl, parents saya jauh d kuantan (masa tu) my siblings juga jauh d kudat. Masa in laws sa suda balik. sebab anak sy 2 orang perlu dijaga dan jarak kunak dari tawau pun makan masa 1 jam juga. Betul2 rasa keseorangan. 

Menjelang petang, ketika saya mulai tenang..dan wassap dari ahli kawan2 1 church dan kawan2 rapat..roh saya dikuatkan. Saya berserah sepenuhnya kepada Tuhan. Saya letakkan kekhuatiran keresahan saya kepada DIA yang maha mengetahui. Dan sy sabar menanti jam 8 am utk dimasukkan ubat. 

Tup tup jam 12 tengah malam, sy mula rasa sakit yang amat di bahagian abdomen saya ke arah pinggang sehingga perut. Tp mulanya saya abaikan saja. Tapi sakit itu berterusan. Sy mula terfikir mungkin saya mau beranak sudah ni. X tau wlpn suda melalui 2 proses kelahiran saya masih ragu2. Gara2 overdue kan. Jam 230 am sy mulai rasa ada lendiran yang keluar. Dan ketika saya check itu adalah lendir darah yang pekat, Now i am very sure im gonna deliver very soon. 

Jam 3am sy ditolak ke labor room. Sebab bukaan rahim suda 4cm. 

Dan dari situlah proses sakit bermula. Berbanding time joshua dan jayden. saya disuruh berbaring sepanjang masa dengan dipasangkan CTG. Sangat tidak selesa sebab seingat saya masa jayden dan joshua saya sangat free utk bergerak dlm erti kata lain i am free to express my-how-release-the-pain-. Sy ingat masa joshua sy duduk ,mengangkang..saya tidak baring sebab sakit tu amat sangat (1st baby kan)..masa jayden tidak sempat sakit lama saya mau beranak sudah. Jadi bila yang ke3 disuruh baring terus..memang lain sakit dia. Mula2 saya masih boleh berfikir positif atur pernafasan. Tapi jam 530am saya suda hilang kekuatan. Sakit pinggang terasa mau patah. Saya mau bangun mau buka tu CTG sebab sangat tidak selesa. Saya hairan masa saya di hospital kudat saya langsung x pakai tu CTG. oleh kerana kesakitan yang amat sangat..saya sudah hampir tidak tahan...sy cuba tanya tu nurse pelatih kalau saya boleh dapatkan epidural. But I know its already too late for me. But then syukurlah jam 618am...dengan 3x pushed (gila sakit)..pushed yang ke3 tu lebih jauh kuat bunyi dari joshua dan jayden tau...maka lahirlah

Jathniel Ethan Michael dengan berat 3.7kg pada 24 April 2015 jam 6.18am.



Ini wajah Jathniel masa 1 hari. Dan kami sudah keluar dari bilik brsalin.


Wajah jathniel genap 1 bulan


Dan sekarang..jathniel 2bulan lebih...

PENAT. Jujur cakap..saya agak trauma dengan pengalaman yang ke3 ini. Dari fasiliti hospital dari cara nurse pelatih sampai doktor2 lelaki fuhhh. Itulah yang pertama dan terakhir saya akan bersalin di hospital tawau. 

Apapun saya bersyukur..penyertaan Tuhan sepanjang masa sy bersalin dan penghiburan serta kekuatan yang diberikan. Thank You Lord for the little extra strength that You have given to me. 

NOW. Masa untuk berehat - membesarkan - mendidik - menguruskan badan. Untuk jangka masa yang panjang. I. HOPE. SO.

THE. END.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Where the sweetnes and bitterness become 1 (part1)

As I promise, and before I forgot let me documented my story of my 3rd pregnancy. And this time I called it 'Where the sweetnes and bitterness become 1"

So my EDD was predicted on the 14of April 2015. According to my memory lah (I record my very 1st day period on the phone, so i am so confidence about it actually).

So the journey of preparing myself for a long break from office is began. I took 11 days from my AL to make sure I can still fly. I was ngam2 35th weeks. So it was the last call for mothers who wish to fly during their pregnancy. At least for MAS. Because AA only allowed pregnant woman to fly until their 34th weeks.

11 days AL + 2 wks early from my maternity leave. So there it goes!

Then the waiting moment begin.

36th weeks passed

37th weeks passed

38th weeks passed

39th weeks passed

40th weeks passed

Still nothing happened...no sign of labor...

I tried so many things to triger the process according to what i have read on the web..

from doing star jumping to eat a lot of spice food and also sex..hahaha, U know, during my 2nd pregnancy i did 'that'with my husband on my 39thweeks. The next morning i got contratction and terus Jayden lahir.

But this 3rd pregnancy i have done many things..turun naik tangga..doing squat but nothing happened. #stillpregnant

So the doctor gave me the appointment..if on the 10th days of my edd i still pregnant than i have to induced lah. But the process cannot done in the Kunak Hospital as they have no doktor pakar . SO i need to go to Tawau hospital.

I pray..God pls i want to deliver at Kunak..Tawau is quite far from my in laws house. But I guess God have another plan for me.

So on the 23th April off we go to the Tawau Hospital without my husband.

To be continued.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

I'm Back guys....

It's been a long time..without me in this world of blogging.. hikkss macam bunyi lagu yang biasa didengar kan...

anyway...how are u uolls?

My last post was on my birthday that was on the 9th of Mac..pheww quite some time neglecting this space..

Where have I been? I guess some of you might ask this question. While some of you had known the answer!

Well first and foremost.. Praise the Lord I just gave birth to a wonderful and amazing baby boy on the 24th of April. His name is Jathniel Ethan. I will show you his picture in the next post (actually i forgot to bring hp today..and all his pictures is in it) or u can follow me on the Instagram.

Oklah....that's all for now. Will story mory more on the arrival of my 3rd baby in the next post. Till then, stay tune and pls be patience while my mood of writing is back here with me.

God Bless

Monday, March 9, 2015

Thank You Lord


I come before You today
And there's just one thing that I want to say
Thank You Lord
Thank You Lord

For all You've given to me
For all the blessings I can not see
Thank You Lord
Thank You Lord

With a greatful heart
With a song of praise
With an outstreched arm
I will bless Your name

Thank You Lord
I just wanna thank You Lord
Thank You Lord
I just wanna thank You Lord
Thank You Lord


wowww

I am blessed.

I am blessed not because of what I have to today...

I am blessed not because what I have done in the past

I am blessed because I have you Jesus.

I am blessed to be your child

I am blessed because not matter what circumstances that I have been thru..all the hardships...You Jesus never leave me alone...

I am what I am today because of your Grace Lord Jesus

Because of that I just want to Thank you Lord...

Thank you for the 32 years that You have given to me...

To breathe the air...

I love you Lord.


Always your child,

Renny.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

this shall pass too

Woaaa

lamanya tidak berupdate...

seriously makin jadi pemalas jari jemari ini untuk menaip...

saya semakin menghampiri penghujung kepada my 3rd pregnancy process.

I told u, pregnant and having a 3yrs old toddler and 10mths baby really not a very happy situation for me (at least!)...

I've struggled here and there..to do my duty as a mother and a wife and a working woman!

Kalau ada pengukur kepada air mata..saya rasa sudah tidak terkira air mata yang berjujuran...

But everything happened on its beautiful time...

kalau dulu...jayden bangun malam lebih dari 3 kali...

sekarang kadang 1 kali kadang pagi jam 6am baru bangun minta susu and by the time saya sudah bangun mau bersiap...

yes...u just keep to remind to urself..every hard season shall pass.... u just need extra patience and patience and patience...

nothing more and nothing less...

So here I am...menghitung hari untuk memulakan cuti panjang saya sekali lagi....

x lama lagi...

wish me luck...


Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Syukur ku disebalik susahku

Makin malas menulis...???

Tiada idea???

2015 baru 1 post? biar betik!!

Ya sahabat2 ku sekalian alam....

makin teruk kan blog ku ini...

sejujurnya bukan malas menulis bukan juga tiada idea..tapi banyak suda taip tp didelete sebab berfikir...perlu ka....

sekarang ni...ramai benar suka memanipulasikan maksud tulisan...yang tidak benar dijadikan fitnah..dan macam2 lagilah

itu yang malas mau taip tu.. mau curahan hati...nampak terlalu vulnerable lah pula orang bilang nanti..

last2 saya antara blogger yang menulis sebab mengikut apa kata orang...sigh...cannot be! it has to be stop!

so today, i decided to write again....

ceritanya apabila sejak hujung minggu lepas anak ku Joshua diserang sakit paru2. Lung dia sensitif bilang tu doktor. mcm ada tanda2 asma. walaupun saya tidak tahu keturunan siapakah yang ada asma. poor joshua. masuk semalam sudah 4x dia kena neb. cuma syukurlah dia behave bagus kali ini. tidak spt sebelumnya mesti mcm rasa masuk gelanggang tinju lah. berperang bagai mau bagi joshua duduk diam kena neb. tapi 4x kena neb it was a very smooth journey for the both of us.

Dalam keadaan sy larat 8 bulan mengandung...memang cabaran betul rasanya menjaga anak2 yang sakit. apa lagi jayden pun mulai terjangkit. apa tidak, joshua 1st demam kemudian saya dan jayden. flu..batuk sakit tekak memang menyedihkan time mengandung..apa lagi kena bawa perut yang besar. Saya selalu marah husband saya yg mcm tidak berapa faham keadaan orang mengandung. bawa perut buncit dengan bawa nyawa dlm rahim is a very different feeling. Mau tunduk pun susah..apa tah lagi turun naik dlm rumah 2 tingkat mengurus rumah and anak2.

bila saya sebut saya selalu marah,,,sy tidak marah like menengking2 pun...if u really know me...i am not that kind of person...pantang saya sebenarnya suka marah2. marah2 saya banyak simpan dalam hati. mengeluarkannya dari mulut saya adalah the last thing yang akan saya buat.

Jadi bila dengan badan tidak sihat dan terpaksa jaga anak2 sakit....memang saya struggle.

one day...ada boss saya tanya saya..kenapa asyik duduk dalam bilik (my room)? berjalan keliling ofis supaya mudah beranak. My boss means very well. I know. Dan saya tidak terasa pun. Sebab mmg dihujung pregnancy kita digalakkan banyak pergerakan supaya proses kelahiran itu menjadi lebih mudah dan cepat. Saya jawab dengan boss saya...'cuma di ofis lah saya dapat duduk diam dan fokus apa yang saya mahu buat. Sebab bila saya di rumah...saya hanya akan dapat duduk paling lama 5 min unless semua anak2 sudah tidur".

Memang betul. saya sampai rumah...tiada lain...kasi makan anak2 jadi fokus saya dulu. diri sendiri demam kadang2 tidak terurus. yg ptg joshua n jayden selesai. Selepas tu kerja rumah as usual menunggu. Laundry...beg taska anak2 kena bongkar...air sejuk kena ada dlm fridge kalau tidak husband membebel...masak air...ambil kain d jemuran...lipat....next batch of jemuran nanti menunggu...kemas rumah...kemas rumah kemas rumah..sebab anak2 sudah mulai main menghambur semua barang permainan....

sambil2 buat kerja rumah...jayden merengkek...mau didukung...mau susu...joshua pula mau susu...semua mau dilayan....penat dari ofis menghadap kerja ofis belum setel tapi kena ttp sabar menghadapi anak2 dan suami yang kalau boleh iphone tu x boleh lepas dari tangan...

to some...will advise comunicate...well siapa2 kawin komunikasi adalah basic thing! Tapi kalau sudah cakap pun masih itu juga...itu yg satu pihak akan lebih mendiamkan diri dan bertindak menjadi kuat sendiri tanpa bergantung harap dari orang lain....

kepenatan yang saya alami yang2x ganda dari biasa mungkin sebab saya pregnant... memang sukar sebenarnya. tp rezeki sudah Tuhan kasi...mcm mana mau halang pun DIA kasi...so i guess all i need is to be bersabar.

This time will pass. I shall get into it....

Apapun disebalik semua kepayahan saya, saya tetap memilih untuk mengucap syukur..syukur sebab ada banyak benda mau disyukurkan....dan sy bersyukur Tuhan lah yang memberikan kekuatan itu kepada ku untuk melalui semua perkara...i just want to thank God for that...

oklah,,,till the next entry, tidak tau bila. sebab soon very soon saya akan terbang balik sabah.

till then...always be thankful.

God bless.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Happy a brand New Year 2015

Hi Hello guys..my loyal readers ...ahakks...
It's 2015. How was your new year so far?
Mine? Well it didn't start well at the beginning. The day before new year, my husband and I have some issues or a bit misunderstanding on one really merepek issue that end up both of us didnt talk to each other. Hahaha. What a bad starting I guess. I was hoping new year eve tu we will have some reflection on what we have been through throughout the year of 2014 and what things that both of us can improve in the future. But somehow it didn't happened as what I wished for. Anyway, let leave things behind. As we back to our 2nd hometown in KL, we only have each other..me .. my husband and our sons. I guess that normal for husband and wife. So we back to normal again before we going back to KL. :)
Anyway, office is as usual. But as for this year...I have different perspective especially towards my career. Since I was promoted to higher post, i have this tendency to do much better and i always like to push myself...before I took my leave on the 20th December last year, I was working very hard that almost every day I spent more than 10 hours at my office. Well so many dateline and I was like I need to this I need to that. 
But for this year...I still want to do my very best in my career..I still want to further my studies..but somehow my mind is very much lighter and less stress I guess. I'll do what I can do at my very best..I'll try to execute my work during office hours without any delay and i'll try to maximizing my 8 hours working. And having said that, that means I'll try to leave on time also (if possible).
As always family comes first. Now that we will having our 3rd baby on the mid of April.. I have to focus on raising our kids. All of them are still very small. Leaving them too long at the nursery is just not good for their growth. Even though if we have helper in the future I don't think I will take advantage on my helper. Helper is still helper or maid is still a maid. They can't never replace a mother love.
So that's me for this year..
How about you guys? Anyway i leave my entry today with a very short and sharp advice from the former CEO Cola Cola that I got from my whatsapp group. To some, it is irrelevent. but to me..i pretty agree with him.
so here it goes..
“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – Work, Family, Health, Friends and Spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the air.
You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – Family, Health, Friends and Spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these; they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for it.
Work efficiently during office hours and leave on time. Give the required time to your family, friends and have proper rest. Value has a value only if its value is valued.”
Ok..till the next time... I promise will upload some pictures in my next entry..

A decision to make... is it for better or worse?

Sekarang tengah hot itu Korean drama "While you were sleeping'.. lakonan Lee Jong Suk (LJS) dan Bae Suzy (BS). Sedikit penceritaan ...