LOST

I have been dying to write it here...but i couldnt find enough time to do so..

But today... i just and i need to rant my feeling here...

You see i am very positive ethaustiastic person... i dont like negativity...

I always believe even in the darkest hour there is a hope...

But today..again...it seems that i lost myself....

i felt incompetent.. in my career...

i felt i am a lousy mother to my sons..

and of course

i felt that i am not the kind of wife that my husband looking for...

this kind of feeling started when i have one more week to prepare for my HLP interview and i havent finish my slide presentations..

suddenly i feel that i am not ready to further my studies..

why on earth i want to further my studies when i cannot write a proper research proposal!

Dang!

i dunno i just feel want to go somewhere alone and cry!

i am not the organize type kind of person or a wife or a mother...i always feel i am lacking of time...24hrs is just dont enough for me...

huhuhu..

i need hug..

i need some words of encouragement

i need some words of appreciation

i just need someone to tell me...

DONT WORRY..you can do it..
DONT WORRY you are not a lousy mother..
DONT WORRY you are special..

oklah..enough of it. I dont really like self pity... sigh!
Get up Renny...gather your strength...

In Jesus name.. i want to start it again...

This shall pass

Dulu msa ada Joshua seorang...rasa hidup sebagai seorang ibu adalah perkara yang amat indah saya pernah rasa..

Masa joshua sakit..walaupun sejauh penat pun sya akan saya gigihkan mendukung dan menenangkan joshua..

bagi saya joshua adalah segala-galanya..

then after 1 thn 8 bln kami decide mungkin boleh tambah 1 utk adik kpd joshua.. maka lahirlah jayden.

Permulaan ada 2 orang anak..pada mulanya tidak sesukar mana...orang cakap masih manageable itu stress..

Happy sebab sy dan husband suka buat banding2 tengok perkembangan anak2 yang berbeza but our love to them is the same..we love them so much..

Tapi tidak lama, datang anak ke 3..wlpn langkah berjaga telah diambil kalendar telah dikira tapi kuasa Tuhan siapa sangka..maka lahirlah jathniel di kala jayden baru 1 tahun.

Perkara yg paling memenatkan ada anak dekat2 ni bila kesemuanya jatuh sakit pada masa yang sama.

Joshua on the other side, bila dia sakit tetap nampak sifat keçoolan dia. Tidak fussy. Baby yes i know  memang akan merengek. Tapi bila jayden dan jathniel menangis serentak dan saya kena handle dua2 sendirian di situlah mulut saya tidak berhenti merungut..dan di kala level kesabaran saya paling rendah..situlah sy terfikir..kalau sy tau susah nya banyak anak sy berhenti setakat joshua sajalah...

My husband type jenis yang punya tahap kesabaran yg rendah..telinga dia sangat x kalis dengan bunyi...very low tolerance to noise...so when he stress handling our kids..suaranya akan mulai bergema di satu rumah jerit sama anak2.

I knew he tried his best to be patience..but i do know each of us has different level of patience...

so when this happened..end up anak2 semua mau minta perhatian saya...

last week adalah dateline penerbitan penulisan kami. Dan sy trpaksa bawa kerja buat di rumah. sy ada 6 semuanya. mampu siap 1 saja. itupun hanya ketika semua anak2 saya tidur. masa tu lah sy curi masa buat kerja ofis buat kerja rumah sekali.

sigh.

selalu bila cakap2 dengan mama,..mesti mama saya cakap...sabar saja memang begitulah ada anak2 kecil. berlalu juga tu. Pandai berhenti juga tu.

Kami ada 7 org adik beradik dan 5 kami gap 2 thn saja. Sy x dpt bayangkan kestressan mama sy.

Aduh Tuhan...macam terasa panjang dan jauh betul mau tunggu masa anak2 saya umur 5thn. Sb org cakap by the time mereka umur 5 thn parents akan lebih mudah suda.

Sebab jujur cakap mau lalu 1 hari pun sudah penat ini kan pula mau tunggu sampai 5 tahun..

sigh.

But i want to tell this to myself...

"renny..this shall pass"

Hang in there....

and i hope i can be calm again..

(when i wrote this i miss all my sons...sorry kids...mama is not good..so sorry)

last saturday was my husband birthday. We managed to celebrate together as my parents was at my place before they proceed to my sister's place at Kuantan.

It was nice to have once a while a day out only the two of us.. without wet tissue to think of...diapers to bring..or stroller..just like the good old days...hehehe

anyway...this weekend i was so occupied..that i hardly had time to sit and chat with my families. When i have time,, it must be laundry time or masak time .. when i have time means when my baby sleep thats where i only have time!

And time flies really fast. Suddenly my house is back to empty. No more my parents and no more my siblings. And here i am missing them so badly!

Yesterday as i was ready to pick up my sister at the aiport..i had this little conversation with my parents and my 2nd last younger brother. They were planning to rearrange all the things at my hometown..and they were saying to put double decker at my supposed-to-be-my-room-at-kampung since my niece had using my room as their place.

When I heard this, i get pissed off with my parents. Why of all many rooms at my house at kg they choosed my room. I was like hello how am i going to balik kg with 3 kids and husband who quite fussy about keselesaan? Then I heard myself saying this to my parents..

'macam ni memang tidak balik kg lah saya. saya hanya akan balik kg bila saya ada bilik semula'. actually i meant what i just said for that moment because i was so angry.

But as i calm again..and here i am missing my family so much..i was like...'takkan sebab bilik saja mau merajuk' and the thought crossed my mind 'what if, if suddenly i never have the chance to see my parents again?'

My parents is no longer young. I dont know how much years that i will be with them. How silly i am to have that kind of thoughts.

sigh.

I must be nuts!

I love you mom and dad. Pls be healthy ya...

God bless.

Random,

Me.

Jerebu kembali mneyerang area-area di sekitar Putrajaya, Kuala Lumpur dan Selangor.

hari ini pergi ofis jalan raya agak sunyi. Mungkin sebab Menteri KPM baru saja umumkan cuti sekolah utk semua sekolah area2 yg saya maksudkan tadi.

Plus besok public holiday utk hari Malaysia jadi saya beranggapan ramai yg ambil cuti kecemasan saja hari ini.

tapi beza dengan saya..saya ada di ofis ni sekarang. Sakit kepala dan sakit leher masih saya rasai dari semalam.

Pagi ni saya google (ya sy google dulu kumpul info sebelum melakukan tindakan seterusnya) punca sakit saya. Dan salah satunya..salah tidur..dan akan tambah sakit apabila stress sebab urat2 d leher akan kembung terus menyambung kepada otak.

Sigh.

Ya. Stress.

One thing about having  a babysitter who stay with u...i can leave home for office dengan tenang. Anak2 pun akan lebih trjaga. But then..utk saya pujuk babysitter ni supaya kerja dengan saya...selain dr offer gaji yg quite mahal..saya juga cuma suruh dia jaga anak2 saja. Urus rumah masak dia x perlu buat. Jadi bila saya balik dengan rumah yg berserabut dan saya perlu lagi masak lepas tu dengan sudah sehari suntuk di ofis dengan pelbagai ekspektasi orang atasan memang cukup menghectikan dan mengharu birukan kehidupan ku.

Dan saya masih struggle mau menyusukan anak sy sepenuhnya dengan supply susu yang semakin merudum. Memang cukup stress.

Dalam saya stress..saya tidak boleh mcm setengah perempuan lain..they have their husband to pour out their feeling. My husband is already full with so many things that make him stress I just dont want to add on with my story. so most of them...i just kept to myself and cheer myself to be strong.

But i am just a normal human being and normal mom. I do have my bad day.

So i guess what i have been thru rite now also can be the cause of my headache.

Anyway enuf of that negative vibes. I dont want you as my reader get infected with my negatives emotions. hehehe

on the other note...i thanked God i just submit my research proposal to our BKP. Yes for the 1st time i tried apply the HLP to further my studies. I have put my my very best effort in doing my proposal that i just hope i could get thru the 1st phase in my jabatan. Pray for me ya.

Talking about further studies. To be honest, i did plan it but after some time i just become lazy and lazy and forget about it. But i dunno maybe this is what people say 'sampai seru'. The journey was very hard actually. I have to change my topic for a few times. And finally the 4th topic i said ok this is it. So there it goes.

Im looking forward fto further my studies. Im not doing coursework because i chosed by research. If i get this hlp not only im focusing to my master but also homeschooling joshua. I have so many things to do for joshua. He need extensive class of therapies which i rarely have time for this time being.

Ok...

Till then...

God Bless.

Sorry lama menyepi...bukan juga artis yang punya jadual padat (tetiba compare dgn artis pula kan...hiihi) saya agak busy dengan kerja dengan anak-anak...itu yang susah mau cari masa post sstu di sini..

anyway...just want to share..semalam merupakan terapi cara kerja Joshua yang kedua kali di HUKM after his 1st therapies on the 30 of July. So after 1 month saya akui saya tiada buat apa2 untuk perkembangan joshua..nak kata  mau bagi fully attention pun tidak dapat. Bila anak 3 ni semua pun masih kecil memang kelam kabut juga hidup saya..

tambah lagi mama saya yang jaga anak2 saya..saya terpaksa hantar dia p tempat adik saya di kuantan untuk pemeriksaan lanjut kesihatan dia. Saya akui kalau ada mama ada di rumah...saya tidak berapa risau dengan keadaan anak2 saya. Sebab saya nenek mereka pasti sayang cucu2 nya. Tambah lagi ada adik bongsu saya d rumah. boleh bantu2 mama saya. Bila ada mama saya...kerja2 laundry mama saya suda setelkan untuk saya. Walaupun saya tidak suruh. Jadi sy mmg bersyukur ada  mama saya.

So 2 bulan jaga anak2 saya..kesihatan mama saya agak terjejas. Dengan gigi sakit plus operation matanya hari tu kembali sakit. Saya tidak sampai hati untuk suh mama saya jaga anak2 saya. Syukur ada adik perempuan saya d kuantan yang masih boleh urus mama. Since dia memang suda di line kesihatan. So i guess it is much easier for her to take our mum goes for checkup.

Back to cerita semalam...akibat daripada tu...banyak benda juga saya kena handle dan urus. Cari bbsitter baru dalam masa yang sama urus anak2. Jadi memang saya totally tidak dapat buat apa dengan cari2 sekolah ka untuk joshua. buat masa ini semuanya masih bergantung kepada temujanji d hukm yang jarak masa dari 1 appointment ke 1 appointment memang lama. Jadi betul lah Dr hari tu cakap..kanak2 autism ni kena ada terapi at least once a week supaya dia tidak lost. 

Semalam..joshua menampakkan ciri2 panas barannya kepada therapist tu. Dalam 1 jam sesi terapi...hanya 1/2 jam saja joshua mau ikut arahan. selebihnya dia mau buat cara dia sendiri. Kalau tidak diberi kemauannya dia memberontak baling2 barang dan jerit. Saya tidak dapat ambil gambar sb polisi hukm sepanjang sesi diadakan tidak dibenarkan mengambil gambar. 

Di akhir sesi..therapist tu beritahu saya..kalau joshua tidak mau ikut arahan kena stop semua game (kalau masa tu saya mau ajar dia) dan ignore joshua dalam bbp waktu. Cara by ignoring him is to make him know that his attitude is wrong. because of that, the next appointment that would be on the Oktober...Joshua masih kena one on one. Belum letak secara grouping sebab joshua masih belum pandai konsep take turn.

Sigh..jujurnya saya letih. Bulan 9 ni joshua akan sy bawa ujian pendengaran. hujung bulan 9 saya kena bawa jayden dan jathinel ke klinik kkia untuk jadual jarum. bulan 10 another 2 appointment dgn hukm. 

Sometimes i feel i am not stroung enough to face the day. dalam masa sama, kerja pun kena jalan. boss pun dari masa ke semasa memerhati. Taulah kan nama pun masih memangku...tidak excel nanti susah mau confirm..

tidak taulah saya...

di saat lemah..hanya doa saya dapat bisikkan..

to be continue

I always suck in writing the beginning for my blog.

I have to write and delete it again.

Write and delete it again.

So here is the thing that I want to say..

I am super happy because Jayden is back to me.

 Yeay.

Yesterday was a very super tiring journey for me.

Took flight as early as 1030 am from KLIA2 to Tawau. Arrived at Tawau at 1.30pm. Then fly back to KLIA at 625pm. And arrived at KLIA at 910pm. Sampai rumah at 1030pm.

Throughout our journey together..i must say it is quite challenging to me. Since Jayden was crying almost the whole time on the flight. I did panicked because I have been separated with him quite long ago. And we are like strangers for a while. I was like how to soothe him. Pity my son. Since my confinemet it was his nenek that cared for jayden. Ok I blamed myself for that.

But after all, I thanked God 45 min before our arrival at KLIA, his emotion became stabil. Just imagined i have to walk him around the flight to keep him cool. sigh.

Anyway...our situation is just become more challenging. Now we have  all our kids together. Not only my mum yang jaga akan pening kepala. We also pening kepala. 

God help me Lord. Help us.

Morning...

As I shared to you guys before this my son Joshua had just diagnosis by the doctor as an autistic boy. So i started googling up what therapies that can i follow and do at home..looking for support group at FB. Search at youtube for visual learning. Reading other mom blog about their experience having autism child.

And yes by just doing it...I just can't stop sighing.

Can I do it? I doubt myself.

All that I can think is how will i do that when i have another sons in the house that also need my fully attention. Especially my baby who is just turn 3 months old. Still fully breastfeeding and now he can already regonized my presence. And I will feel forever guilty to my 2nd son jayden. Our time bonding together really really short that I barely remember how was he look like when he still a baby. Jayden is now at my MIL house at Sabah. My parents already asking me take him back to kl. My siblings keep asking me when Im going to take Jayden. That just make me more sad. There is a lot of things i need to think and do at the same time. And I just dont know where to start..

I just got back to work from my maternity leave. August is a very crucial month to me as I need to fill the form for my confirmation post. And I know I done nothing for the past 3 months to qualify me. I wonder how will my boss value my mark.

My husband is busy focus to his proposal to further his studies doing master. Hoping that when his jabatan approve his application he will have time to concentrate to our son Joshua. Compared now, both of us is bind with the 8-5 clock. So for the time being we just can only follow all the schedules given by HUKM.

To opt for CTG is just impossible for me as I (my and husband and I) had a lot of commitment. We just bought house on our own. So a lot of money (included those money we borrowed from our families) had been used and have to pay back.

But even I have to go through this situation...I know God is with me. He is there to help me. It is hard, I know. But I cannot go thru it by my own. I need Jesus. And that is what my Lord do to our family.

I know we will pass thru this. I have faith Joshua will be recover. I just have to put my faith and trust Lord Jesus Christ.

Bapa di Surga, apapun yang berlaku dalam kehidupan ku tidak ada satu pun yang berada di luar pengetahuan Mu. Tolong aku ya Bapa dengan iman ku yang sekecil biji sesawi ini untuk menempuh keadaan yang sedang ku alami. Saya tahu saya tidak bersendirian. Engkau ada beserta ku dan keluarga ku. Aku serahkan Joshua ke dalam tangan mu ya Bapa. Jadilah kehendak Mu dan rencana Mu keatas Joshua. Berikan kami suami isteri hikmat untuk apa jua kaedah membantu Joshua. Dan kami percaya Engkau adalah Sumber yang menyediakan tepat pada waktunya. Terima kasih Bapa. Dalam nama Yesus, aku berdoa. Amen.