Extend Grace

hello there..

hi february.. (^^)

Just let me share some story of mine that really changed the inner of me...

This story is about me and my little family. It is not to embarresed anyone that close to my heart but rather than ehm..lets just say i am grateful..and amazed for what the Lord Jesus Christ had done for the past whole week.

U see, being a parent is not that easy. in this stage where my sons were in their 'glorious'moment who like to do many adventurous things that sometime...we as their parents can lost our patience towards our kids.

Plus..we have a special kids like Joshua which can really draw us to the limit of our patience...(gila what kind of bahasa i used here...hahahaha..whateverlah kan).

On top of that..my husband is a very garang person. He has a very very minimum patience...especially when it comes to discipline our sons. You know,,when a father start to yell..memang berterabur lah all my sons masing2 mencari saya.

And this is where i dont like my husband...because when he start yelling and smacking...me myself feel so scared too. Apa lagi my sons kan...i just couldnt stánd his voice...and because of that we end up quarreling (mau displin anak2 last2 bergaduh pula..sandi betul)

When it happened..i will directly said to my husband (dengan emosi marah)..that how come he can be like that...being a christian..he supposed to learn to be more patience...and here i became the judge..i critic his attitude and constantly remind him his bad behaviour..

Yes..before u said why not u pray for ur husband...honestly..i have been praying for my husband since before we married. I knew he has this bad temper and i always pray and hope that one day he will change. and it's been almost 5 yrs we get married..yet..he is still the same person...

i have to admit that i used to give up hoping a change in my husband. I know God but somehow i just losing hope for my husband.

Until i found the truth. One day i came across Daily Grace Inspirational from Pastor Joseph Prince. Yes I subscribe his daily devotion everyday. But along the way..i always end up not reading it. But it was God that bring me back to read his article one day.

The story is using Zacchaeus the chief tax collector. Those who is not familiar this story from the bible let me just share it with u here. Zacchaeus was the chief tax collector and rich. One day Jesus came to his place Jericho. Zacchaues was eager to meet Jesus...he wondered what kind of person Jesus is. Zaccaheus must heard how Jesus had healed many people. Those who blind can see again. Those who cannot walk can walk again. Those who been possessed by demon became a free and normal person. So Zacchaeus must be very curious at that time.

Let me put this way..if a famous person cameby to ur place u must be excited too kan..at this era..if we want to meet person who is hardly can be meet in person..there will always an instagram to click...hahaha. with just 1 click and u can stalk their private life. But not during zacchaues time. Ironically..zacchaeus is a very short person. Because of many people followed Jesus...he had to climb the tree to see Jesus. And there goes story..that Jesus stop and told Zacchaeus that He want to come to his house. Zacchaeus was so happy.

somethin to ponder..there was never mention in the bible that during their meeting Jesus and Zacchaeus that Jesus had pinpoint his lifestyle as a tax collector or being judgmental to him. Jesus just talked and Zacchaeus was just happy. What happened is the miracle. With just a meeting with Jesus...Zacchaus make a commitment...he said.."Behold Lord, the half of my goods i give back to the poor. and if i have defrauded anyone of anything, i restore it fourfold (Luke 19:8).

So here...if u see the situation...Jesus never accused or judged Zacchaeus. He just accept him as who he is. By extend His grace to Zacchaeus and salvation has come to him.

This story ..the truth of Grace that Jesus showed to Zacchaeus changed me.

U see..i know my husband weaknesses. Yes he is a very kurang sabar person. Sangat kurang. I had prayed for him. I forgive him everytime he do mistakes. But..one thing is even though i forgive him...my husband is just a normal human being. We human makes mistakes so am I. When he do mistakes..here i am..reminding him his weaknesses..seems holy i am..but it just make me like any other people...whenever people make mistakes sometime i pinpoint again his weaknesses.

But what Jesus did with Zaccaheus? Jesus knew what Zacchaeus did to the poor..but instead Jesus came and eat with him. Never mention his weaknesses. Never judge or accused zacchaues. He sat there and accept Zacchaeus. But miracle happened. Zachaues changed to be a better person.

So i stop and reflect myself. It is not praying for my husband to change but rather i prayed to God..that everytime my husband make mistakes or sakitkan hati (saya or anak2)..I will just extend God Grace to my husband by accepting his flaws and asking God to make me love my husband continously.

What happened...miracle happened. The moment i prayed and make my commitment..I can see progress in my husband. The past week..I hardly heard my husband yelling our sons like he used to do. I can see much more patience in himself. Though sometimes he did lost his patience but is really different. And I knew is all because God grace. I never said this to my husband but i knew is all because Jesus Christ. Just the way Zacchaeus meet Jesus.

My post today is quite long...but I guess this is the story for my lovely February. All of us has our own weaknesses. Instead of judging..or keep reminding the person his weaknesses and asking them to change..just pray to God...submit it to God...

We cannot change person but God can.

with that,,,thank you for reading. I pray God will do the same in ur marriage.
Be Blessed.

The beginning

so it's 2016.

hehehe. Lets start this new year chapter with a happy birthday post.

so yesterday 17.01.2016, our big boy Joshua is officially 4 years old. 

It was just a small gathering with my family. My sister from kuantan had Dental Convention at PWTC and she insisted to buy a birthday cake for Joshua. So i let her win. hehehehe. anyway thank you odot,

This year, we as family started it very well. I mean, before the 2015 ended both of us took holiday leave and have a very meaningful holiday for the family. We then celebrate new year eve at church with our friends and praying together for a smooth  year ahead.

I have made some resolutions for myself and for the whole family. Some of it is in progress. And i am happy.

yeah...

i hope for a better 2016

happy new year everyone...

Let go of the Mom Guilt..

Menjadi seorang ibu sememangnya perkara yang mengujakan. Tringat pengalaman pertama mengandungkan Joshua. Excited menunggu rasa bagaimana perasaanya apabila anak yg belum pernah dilihat menendang dalam rahim. Excited rasanya bila memikirkan diri sedang membawa nyawa ke dunia dan excited rasanya menunggu detik2 bersejarah bertemu dengan si kecil.

Tapi menjadi seorang ibu adalah satu perkara yang real... maksud saya real ialah.. once you become a mother there will be no turning back..and everything about anything new will happen...

Tidak mau marah...termarah juga...
Tidak mau jerit...terjerit juga...
Tidak mau merotan...terotan juga...

Kalau dulu persepsi saya mengenai ibu saya adalah dia adalah seorang SUPERWOMAN. Tapi bila saya sendiri melaluinya dengan anak 3...wow...perkataan superwoman itu sebenarnya bukan datang dari ibu sendiri tapi pandangan orang luar atau dari anaknya sendiri..the mother herself will never say she is superwoman...

Why?

I tell u why. And its real thing! Saya tidak percaya ada ibu yang tidak pernah marah anak. Tidak pernah displin anak. Tidak pernah jerit anak. Tidak taulah kalau memang ada ibu yg lembut sepanjang masa...sy akan fikir wow ..anak dia mesti senang diurus. Sebab yg namanya anak aduh...macam2 perangai yang tidak dijangka akan keluar...

Talking about kesabaran. My husband said im a lady full with patience. Maybe because compared to my husband i have higher level of patience than him. Tapi hakikatnya...tidak juga. Saya pun kadang2 and most of the time bila saya stress atau penat dengan kerja2 (balance antara being a mom, a wife and a career woman) kesabaran saya juga menipis.

Dan apabila itu terjadi...memang kesian lah anak2 saya. Kadang2 saya terfikir ibu yang sampai bunuh anak tu mungkin mengalami stress yang amat tinggi yang tidak dapat dihandle nya sudah. Barangkali? i dunno!

Tapi jujur saya juga pernah terkeluar cakap dengan anak2 saya.. 'kamu ni menyusahkan saya'. "penat saya jadi mummy kamu"..ädalah yang sy baling keluar ni"begitulah...

But did i really mean it? NO! Big NO! Dan dari situlah bila saya kembali tenang...rasa bersalah..a mom guilt tu ada... like...saya akan fikir balik....'kenapalah saya tidak bersabar lebih lagi?'... "kenapalah saya tidak kawal mulut saya?'...äduh apalah dosa anak2 saya".."tidak selamanya mereka kecil begini"...

Then bila mereka tidur dengan begitu nyenyak situlah saya rasa aman dan bahagia melihat mereka dan hanya ucapan syukur kerana Tuhan mengaruniakan anak2 yang sebegitu comel dan indah...

Jadi bila sya ingat mama saya dan keadaan saya sendiri..i would say my mom is an awesome mom. So do I. We just learn how to be better again and again. And each time when we fail..just forgive ourselves and move on.. just like what Donna Bell said about motherhood...

"MOTHERHOOD IS A CHOICE YOU MAKE EVERYDAY to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is..
and to forgive yourself over and over again FOR DOING EVERYTHING WRONG."

LOST

I have been dying to write it here...but i couldnt find enough time to do so..

But today... i just and i need to rant my feeling here...

You see i am very positive ethaustiastic person... i dont like negativity...

I always believe even in the darkest hour there is a hope...

But today..again...it seems that i lost myself....

i felt incompetent.. in my career...

i felt i am a lousy mother to my sons..

and of course

i felt that i am not the kind of wife that my husband looking for...

this kind of feeling started when i have one more week to prepare for my HLP interview and i havent finish my slide presentations..

suddenly i feel that i am not ready to further my studies..

why on earth i want to further my studies when i cannot write a proper research proposal!

Dang!

i dunno i just feel want to go somewhere alone and cry!

i am not the organize type kind of person or a wife or a mother...i always feel i am lacking of time...24hrs is just dont enough for me...

huhuhu..

i need hug..

i need some words of encouragement

i need some words of appreciation

i just need someone to tell me...

DONT WORRY..you can do it..
DONT WORRY you are not a lousy mother..
DONT WORRY you are special..

oklah..enough of it. I dont really like self pity... sigh!
Get up Renny...gather your strength...

In Jesus name.. i want to start it again...

This shall pass

Dulu msa ada Joshua seorang...rasa hidup sebagai seorang ibu adalah perkara yang amat indah saya pernah rasa..

Masa joshua sakit..walaupun sejauh penat pun sya akan saya gigihkan mendukung dan menenangkan joshua..

bagi saya joshua adalah segala-galanya..

then after 1 thn 8 bln kami decide mungkin boleh tambah 1 utk adik kpd joshua.. maka lahirlah jayden.

Permulaan ada 2 orang anak..pada mulanya tidak sesukar mana...orang cakap masih manageable itu stress..

Happy sebab sy dan husband suka buat banding2 tengok perkembangan anak2 yang berbeza but our love to them is the same..we love them so much..

Tapi tidak lama, datang anak ke 3..wlpn langkah berjaga telah diambil kalendar telah dikira tapi kuasa Tuhan siapa sangka..maka lahirlah jathniel di kala jayden baru 1 tahun.

Perkara yg paling memenatkan ada anak dekat2 ni bila kesemuanya jatuh sakit pada masa yang sama.

Joshua on the other side, bila dia sakit tetap nampak sifat keçoolan dia. Tidak fussy. Baby yes i know  memang akan merengek. Tapi bila jayden dan jathniel menangis serentak dan saya kena handle dua2 sendirian di situlah mulut saya tidak berhenti merungut..dan di kala level kesabaran saya paling rendah..situlah sy terfikir..kalau sy tau susah nya banyak anak sy berhenti setakat joshua sajalah...

My husband type jenis yang punya tahap kesabaran yg rendah..telinga dia sangat x kalis dengan bunyi...very low tolerance to noise...so when he stress handling our kids..suaranya akan mulai bergema di satu rumah jerit sama anak2.

I knew he tried his best to be patience..but i do know each of us has different level of patience...

so when this happened..end up anak2 semua mau minta perhatian saya...

last week adalah dateline penerbitan penulisan kami. Dan sy trpaksa bawa kerja buat di rumah. sy ada 6 semuanya. mampu siap 1 saja. itupun hanya ketika semua anak2 saya tidur. masa tu lah sy curi masa buat kerja ofis buat kerja rumah sekali.

sigh.

selalu bila cakap2 dengan mama,..mesti mama saya cakap...sabar saja memang begitulah ada anak2 kecil. berlalu juga tu. Pandai berhenti juga tu.

Kami ada 7 org adik beradik dan 5 kami gap 2 thn saja. Sy x dpt bayangkan kestressan mama sy.

Aduh Tuhan...macam terasa panjang dan jauh betul mau tunggu masa anak2 saya umur 5thn. Sb org cakap by the time mereka umur 5 thn parents akan lebih mudah suda.

Sebab jujur cakap mau lalu 1 hari pun sudah penat ini kan pula mau tunggu sampai 5 tahun..

sigh.

But i want to tell this to myself...

"renny..this shall pass"

Hang in there....

and i hope i can be calm again..

(when i wrote this i miss all my sons...sorry kids...mama is not good..so sorry)

last saturday was my husband birthday. We managed to celebrate together as my parents was at my place before they proceed to my sister's place at Kuantan.

It was nice to have once a while a day out only the two of us.. without wet tissue to think of...diapers to bring..or stroller..just like the good old days...hehehe

anyway...this weekend i was so occupied..that i hardly had time to sit and chat with my families. When i have time,, it must be laundry time or masak time .. when i have time means when my baby sleep thats where i only have time!

And time flies really fast. Suddenly my house is back to empty. No more my parents and no more my siblings. And here i am missing them so badly!

Yesterday as i was ready to pick up my sister at the aiport..i had this little conversation with my parents and my 2nd last younger brother. They were planning to rearrange all the things at my hometown..and they were saying to put double decker at my supposed-to-be-my-room-at-kampung since my niece had using my room as their place.

When I heard this, i get pissed off with my parents. Why of all many rooms at my house at kg they choosed my room. I was like hello how am i going to balik kg with 3 kids and husband who quite fussy about keselesaan? Then I heard myself saying this to my parents..

'macam ni memang tidak balik kg lah saya. saya hanya akan balik kg bila saya ada bilik semula'. actually i meant what i just said for that moment because i was so angry.

But as i calm again..and here i am missing my family so much..i was like...'takkan sebab bilik saja mau merajuk' and the thought crossed my mind 'what if, if suddenly i never have the chance to see my parents again?'

My parents is no longer young. I dont know how much years that i will be with them. How silly i am to have that kind of thoughts.

sigh.

I must be nuts!

I love you mom and dad. Pls be healthy ya...

God bless.

Random,

Me.

Jerebu kembali mneyerang area-area di sekitar Putrajaya, Kuala Lumpur dan Selangor.

hari ini pergi ofis jalan raya agak sunyi. Mungkin sebab Menteri KPM baru saja umumkan cuti sekolah utk semua sekolah area2 yg saya maksudkan tadi.

Plus besok public holiday utk hari Malaysia jadi saya beranggapan ramai yg ambil cuti kecemasan saja hari ini.

tapi beza dengan saya..saya ada di ofis ni sekarang. Sakit kepala dan sakit leher masih saya rasai dari semalam.

Pagi ni saya google (ya sy google dulu kumpul info sebelum melakukan tindakan seterusnya) punca sakit saya. Dan salah satunya..salah tidur..dan akan tambah sakit apabila stress sebab urat2 d leher akan kembung terus menyambung kepada otak.

Sigh.

Ya. Stress.

One thing about having  a babysitter who stay with u...i can leave home for office dengan tenang. Anak2 pun akan lebih trjaga. But then..utk saya pujuk babysitter ni supaya kerja dengan saya...selain dr offer gaji yg quite mahal..saya juga cuma suruh dia jaga anak2 saja. Urus rumah masak dia x perlu buat. Jadi bila saya balik dengan rumah yg berserabut dan saya perlu lagi masak lepas tu dengan sudah sehari suntuk di ofis dengan pelbagai ekspektasi orang atasan memang cukup menghectikan dan mengharu birukan kehidupan ku.

Dan saya masih struggle mau menyusukan anak sy sepenuhnya dengan supply susu yang semakin merudum. Memang cukup stress.

Dalam saya stress..saya tidak boleh mcm setengah perempuan lain..they have their husband to pour out their feeling. My husband is already full with so many things that make him stress I just dont want to add on with my story. so most of them...i just kept to myself and cheer myself to be strong.

But i am just a normal human being and normal mom. I do have my bad day.

So i guess what i have been thru rite now also can be the cause of my headache.

Anyway enuf of that negative vibes. I dont want you as my reader get infected with my negatives emotions. hehehe

on the other note...i thanked God i just submit my research proposal to our BKP. Yes for the 1st time i tried apply the HLP to further my studies. I have put my my very best effort in doing my proposal that i just hope i could get thru the 1st phase in my jabatan. Pray for me ya.

Talking about further studies. To be honest, i did plan it but after some time i just become lazy and lazy and forget about it. But i dunno maybe this is what people say 'sampai seru'. The journey was very hard actually. I have to change my topic for a few times. And finally the 4th topic i said ok this is it. So there it goes.

Im looking forward fto further my studies. Im not doing coursework because i chosed by research. If i get this hlp not only im focusing to my master but also homeschooling joshua. I have so many things to do for joshua. He need extensive class of therapies which i rarely have time for this time being.

Ok...

Till then...

God Bless.