upppss...blog saya masih hidup....

OMG..

lamanya saya tidak update blog ni...

dalam draft saya ada banyak unpublished entry. Kadang2 ada entry half way sy karang terpaksa ditunda sebab ada kerja lain yang perlu siapkan. Dari isu santai sampailah isu serius.

So November is coming the end very very soon.

And I am really excited this coming December! Couldnt wait for christmas celebration with my family this time. Yes,it's my turn this year... beginilah kalau sudah kawin, ada give and take...kawin pula dengan orang yang bermastautin d selatan sabah jadi oleh dasar jarak maka ada pembahagian giliran bercuti...

So this time around, we will be celebrating Christmas at my hometown. My siblings and I have already planned some activities during our holiday. Cuti yang singkat so perlu maksimum penggunaan nya. Janji enjoy dengan family.

So, looking back at the 11 months that passed.. I would say.. I am humbly proud of myself achievement.
Yes, I thanked God for many reasons.

Pertamanya, seawal bulan September saya dan suami sekali lagi dipercayakan Tuhan untuk 2nd baby. Harapan kami dua, sekali lagi kami tidak kisah jantinanya yang penting sihat dan normal and of course a very smooth delivery (pray for normal delivery again)

Keduanya, walaupun rezeki mau naik 48 masih samar-samar, tetapi setidak-tidaknya dengan beberapa siri kejadian, saya merasa yakin untuk menggalas tanggungjawab 48 di masa akan datang. Saya percaya saya boleh menjadi seorang penyelia yang..well bukan maksud terbaik as leadership is a lifelong learning process tapi saya tau kalau saya 48 saya akan buat apa. Saya belajar dari banyak KPSU terdahulu...dan saya juga belajar menjadi PSU (sepanjang bergelar PSU yang paling kanan dalam siri 44 di sektor awam~batch 2/2006 khususnya) yang bagaimana bersama dgn PSU2 lain dan dengan kumpulan pelaksana.


Apapun, saya juga belajar banyak di waktu2 sukar yang saya lalui. Saya hanya boleh katakan semuanya adalah kasih karunia Tuhan untuk saya.

So, masih banyak perkara yang sy perlu lakukan, masih banyak impian yang belum tercapai tapi saya percaya everything is beautiful on its own time. All i need to do is, pray hard work hard and at the same time enjoy every moment that I have.

Till then, see you December.

The day of my happiness and nightmares came true

There will always be a consequences of your decision. Whether u made it for a good reason or whatever reason u have.

I can't help myself by pouring my self here after a very long hiatus. Today is the day where i've been waiting for it to come. Yes my very precious son is finally with me again.

A week before today, i've been dreaming that my son came home and he run opening his arms towards me. I was so deeply missing him that i can't wait him back in my arms.

But what my nightmares was really became a reality.

When i first saw my son, i eagerly run to him wanting to hug him right at that moment. But to my surprise, he rejected me. That point of time, i really wanted to cry. My inlaws said when joshua met his daddy at the airport he recognized his dad. But not me.

My mother, my sister, my friend actually had warning me.. That this will happened. But not that i dont want to hear but deep down inside my heart i really put my faith that my son will not easily forget his mum. 

At this hour joshua dont want to sleep. He dont want his mummy. He is near to me physically but i can sense that he too far from me emotionally.

When i wrote this, my heart is crying. Somehow deep down inside me i regretting myself for ever made this decision. But the decision is made. I only pray that this will just a temporary. I miss my son. I want him wanting me and need me as his mom.

Sigh.

(Pardon me for my bad english)